death to death
ok this is the most private place i have that most of my friends don't check so im using this as a place to vent because i feel weird posting about it on twitter or messaging someone lol. im starting to think maybe im not cut out for relationships that are closer than vaguely friends at all, point blank. it feels like the closer i get to people the worse my relationship becomes with them, whether it be a one-sided feeling of sickening or a mutual dislike that grows. something is wrong with me, deeply ingrained in my psyche to ruin everything i love. the only person i really trust is my family and even then i'm extremely suspicious of them all the time. i have to know everything people say about me, what they think, what they tell other people, or i freak out. i convince myself i know what they're saying about me and i take it out on them based on my own preconceived notion of what they've said and it's an awful fucking cycle that i want to break. lucky for me, i don't think this has actually impacted my relationships. i think i have an innate ability to make anybody forgive me because i know how to twist words and what to say and do to make them feel worse for me, like i haven't done anything wrong. admitting that makes me feel like a piece of shit, but honestly, i'm just stating facts. i need to face the music at some point, face myself. i think i've been the most honest with myself in this blog than i ever have been. i kind of forgot what i wanted to talk about now. im an extremely jealous person. like, to an uncomfortable amount. even when my friends talk to our mutual friends, i get jealous. because i should be the most important person to everyone, and not anybody else. i think this is a symptom of something. im giggling at myself currently. nobody really understands me the way i want them to. nobody knows my thought process the way it really goes, nobody understands my actions or why i say the things i do. when i open up and someone says they "get" me i get mad. they don't. nobody does. i don't think i've ever met someone who actually feels the same way about people or things or ideas that i do, and i'm unsure that i ever will. part of me appreciates that—i love the complexity of people and their nature—, but another part of me absolutely detests it. i'm a very angry person, just not outwardly. when people think of traits, they think of traits that can be observed by simply talking to someone without ever thinking of the fact that perhaps they are putting up a facade. there are parts of me that cannot be observed this way. parts of me that i rarely show to anybody, because societally, they are bad. my therapists says that nothing is inherently bad, and i agree, but i understand how society works. there are things i don't understand to an extent, that i also understand on some level, it's a convoluted thing. i don't understand people, yet i do. i don't understand why someone does something, and yet i do. does this make sense? i'd like to be at one end of the spectrum constantly—that is, either understanding or not—because it would be much simpler than having these thoughts. i think a lot. more than people think i would think, because i don't talk about thinking, but i do. well, i think that nobody really talks about thinking outright, but when you ponder it, everything someone says is just them thinking. i feel inherently not human, all the time. i have been alienated from people so much, and isolated so very much in my recent years, that i feel that my humanity is simply dwindling. how easy life would be, if i was nothing but a mindless animal operating purely on instinct. id like to have nothing to think about save for the drive to go forward, to eat, to fight. ok whatever thats too weirdly written ignore that but it would be nice to think on nothing but instinctive movement. im thinking of killing myself