compulsive competitive
driving home and listening to music, i find myself wondering if my girlfriend would have an easier life if i was a man. if i was just a cis boy, awkward and chubby and acne-ridden, but a boy. i love being a dyke and i hate it. there's so much turmoil inside me that makes me want to curl into a ball and die. there's so many times where i doubt myself, so many times where my mind is intrusively telling me that im not really in love. that im destroying my wife for my own sick pleasure. i think it's a given that none of this is true, but it makes me want to hurl and sob and scream. my identity has always been a confusing thing for me and only recently am i able to view myself as an actual person rather than a perception. i dunno. just thinking.